Christmas

So as Christmas draws near, my emotions start to become very heightened. I feel like this is something I need to talk about as there are so many mixed emotions around Christmas for people. There are so many expectations that surround this day which can create a lot of fear, anxiety, stress, and upset for a lot of people. I want everyone to know that this is completely normal and that you are not alone. Christmas doesn’t always need to be a magical time of year especially if you are facing challenges. 

 Before I lost my son, Christmas was a time of year when I conformed to society and what I thought it ‘should’ be like. Living up to an expectation that I could not even live up to, giving myself unnecessary stress so that I could merely fit in with everyone else. I became the type of person that had lost the real value of Christmas. 

 On December 27th, 2022, my son Jamie went missing and the morning after, his body was found. It is not something I talk about often as you could understand. I love to talk about Jamie and keep his memories alive but when it comes to that day, I really struggle to get vulnerable as it opens so much pain for me, but I feel that it may help myself and perhaps you the reader. On the morning of the 28th, I received a phone call from Jamie’s friend that no mother wants to hear, and I still struggle to repeat the words. But my son’s body had been found. I rushed to the scene, convincing myself that they must be wrong. Until I arrived and saw the truth for myself. I can never un-see my son that day, nor will his friends. Still to this day, my head will convince me that it wasn’t real. The sound of my own screams from that day will haunt me forever.  

 Now, I would love to tell you that it has gotten easier and that I have learned a valuable lesson from losing my son but in this precise moment, I feel I must speak from my heart. Losing my boy has changed me, not only am I grieving for Jamie, but I am also grieving for a part of myself that I can never be again. I am currently learning that I must accept these changes, but truth be known, I am finding this extremely difficult. 

What I can tell you is that I have learned that I am not in control, no what how much I try to control life, I can’t! It’s ok to have a bad day, it’s ok to switch off from the world but not for too long. I can’t help anyone if I can’t help myself first. Eat, sleep and exercise are vital, even though I fight all the above on a daily basis. I am doing the best that I can. 

 Christmas will never be the same again but one thing I do know is that nothing else matters apart from having the ones we love around us, immersing ourselves in the moment, and staying grateful for all we have in that moment. Take lots of photos, smile, laugh, cry, and make lots of memories! If you are struggling this Christmas, please reach out, no matter how difficult it is, it might just save your life.