New Year… New Me?

Now that Christmas and New Year is over, I would love to say that I am relieved but that is most certainly not the case. I suppose I feel a little relaxed, but January brings a new set of worries for a lot of people. What I am finding with grief, is that ‘everyday problems’ become greater to deal with, grief emphasises everything. A New Year can bring a lot of pressure for people, feeling like they need to set goals and challenges – new year resolutions – “New Year, New Me!” It immediately brings fear. 

For myself, I decided that the only thing I would ‘adapt’ was to have some consistency. Throughout this ongoing journey of pain, consistency is the one thing I have been lacking and therefore I will do the best I can to implement this in all areas of my life. Although grief tends to sneak up on me, creeps out of nowhere when I am having a ‘good day’ and knocks me down in an instant, I will not give up! 

Losing my boy has changed my life, for a while I was trying to be the Debbieanne I was before I lost him, but this is impossible because no one on this Earth can time travel and I will never be that woman again. I grieved for myself in the process of grieving Jamie, but I have found acceptance around that, I must accept that this is who I am now. Understanding that grief does not shrink, we just learn to grow around it. 

We must learn not to let grief define us or consume us. It is all a process and all we have is this exact moment in time, never will this day come again. I have also learned that our loved ones may not be with us in physical form but if we sit quietly, close our eyes, and just feel – listen – we will have them all around us. The wind that blows, the stars in the sky, the music they once loved. When you smell the perfume or aftershave they wore or when you watch the sun rise and set, hear the sound of the sea – even when you see a little robin or a white feather, I call these ‘Ghost Winks’. Call them what you want but I hope one day you learn to find some comfort in these small gifts. 

I was blessed enough to have two more sons after Jamie; Bailey who is 18 and Oscar who is 10 – Jamie lives on in these two boys of mine and I will be forever grateful for the gift of being a mother. Gratitude is not just a word we use, it is not just a list we write in the morning or before we go to bed. Gratitude is a feeling. We must feel gratitude for the things that we have in this moment. 

As a mother who lost her first-born son to suicide, I could let anger and resentment tear me apart, but I choose to still have love, compassion, empathy and gratitude in my heart today. My son may have only been 20 years of age when he passed but how lucky was I to have 20 years with my boy, some people do not even get the chance to be a parent, some people don’t get the chance to hold their child, some don’t even get the chance to see their little faces. My son blessed me with many memories that I will treasure in my heart until I take my last breath and we can be together again. 

So please… if you’re grieving or feeling like you want to take your own life, if you are struggling with your mental health or addiction, please reach out to us here at Jamie’s Sanctuary. If we can’t help you directly, we know someone who can. Today, please try to find just one thing to be grateful for, it may make you smile, surely it can’t hurt to try. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog;

Debbieanne, proud Mum of Jamie, Bailey and Oscar xxx